I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
The fact that I've met you shows that God loves me.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
Werewolves love their fast food.
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
Were you born on the Bluenose? Because baby, you're a dime.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
interrupting doctor.
interr…
You've got cancer.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!