Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
Every function without you will always be void of love.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
Let’s have high tea & fall in love sometime. You can be my little biscuit.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
Sorry for not saying 'Bless You', it already seems that you are.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
You know what they say... Big Feet.
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
You are so hot that you light my morning sky with burning love
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.