My pants are approaching escape velocity.
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
Are you a florist? Cause ever since I met you, my life has been Rosey.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
Look for a rainbow connection.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
The fact is your refractive index is greater than 2.42. That means you shine brighter than a diamond!
I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
All clover the world.
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.