What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
May I put my basketballs in your hoop?
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
Something tells me we'd make great travel partners.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.