When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
I love you from my head tomatoes.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
What’s the best part of the cell, next to the cytoplasm? The nucle-US.
Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.