"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.

What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!

I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.

I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.

I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.

“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin

What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.

Man is Fatally Slain.

Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare

They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.

What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.

"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams

"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"

- Unknown.

What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"

What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.

What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.

Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!

What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.

"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer

Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.

What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.

Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.

Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.

“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”

Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."

What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.

What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!

What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee

Bad spelling makes me sic.

Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.

Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.

What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.

Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.

The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?

I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.

What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.

You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.

I lub dub you with all my heart.

Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.

“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen

"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."

"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.

"Because its always jammin"

Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.

Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”