What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Girl you are rocking this run.
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
I whale always love you.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup
Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north
Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon
Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book
Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg
(Mike Gentile)
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!