"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
I like big books and I cannot lie.
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
We should get some coffee because I'm liking you a latte.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
Call me the pace clock, cause you sure can count on me.
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Did you hear the new pop song about Covid?
...it's pretty catchy.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.