What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
Looking for some hunka hunka burning love?
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
Girl, you are the spark that lights my fire.
---
Come on, I’ll give you a tour of my tent...
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
Let’s get elf-ed up.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson