Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
So, is it my dugout or yours?
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
We have great chemis-tree.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
We’re mint to be.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
A little less fight and a little more spark, close your mouth and open your heart.
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
I’ll be there in a pinch.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
I’m kind of a big dill.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.