"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown

What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.

Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.

All stereos are so typical.

What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.

What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.

A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”

The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”

I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.

"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.

Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?

This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.

Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.

The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”

- Sam Levenson

There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy

You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe

(Anonymous)

I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.

You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.

Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!

I always get cuts and bruises because every single day, minute and second i keep on falling in love with you.

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."

What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.

What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.

I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.

Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.

When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!

What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”

Bookworms take shelfies.

What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!

What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.

Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.

It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”

I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.

Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.

Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level

You must be calcification on a non-contrast CT, cause you’re just glowing.

If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.

A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.

Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.

“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”

How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.

What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.

What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.

How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!

I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.

What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!