"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley

"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson

The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.

Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.

“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark

"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.

There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.

What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.

These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.

It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.

- Janice Canerdy

It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.

There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.

One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.

How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.

My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.

Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain

I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test

What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.

There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin

Are you Charlotte Brönte? Because you're a breath of fresh Eyre.

"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde

Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.

My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.

Woah! You look like I need a drink.

How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.

Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.

“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker

Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!

Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.

Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.

What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!

How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).

“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns

Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.

I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.

What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.

When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.

Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.

What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!

I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.

I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout

Wow Adrian, is that a typo in your name? Because I swear you’re A-Dream.