Can I wear your plaid flannel when I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!
Hi, you’re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line. Would you settle for just flowers?
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
I've been called a dirty player but lets just see how dirty we can get tonight.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
I'll neck ya like Hawko necks a beer!
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia