What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
I really caribou-t you.
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Girl its been fun
But im leaving you
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.