No costume? Oh you lucky girl, you don’t need Halloween. You look like an angel every day.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.
Ana hits a lot of floating shots that her opponents destroy for winners. We need to sitter down and have a talk.
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.
You and the sun have one thing in common. You are both radiant.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.