“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
You snow the drill.
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
My love for you is like an marathon. It goes on and on.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
When we met, it was love at frost sight.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
I was gonna say something really sweet about you but when I saw you I was speechless.
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
If looks could kill you, you’d surely be a weapon of mass destruction.
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI