No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
Coffee, tea, or just more of me?
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
Can we still share a netflix account?
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
My computer was running pretty hot
Until I downloaded some fan art, and now it's working better.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.