Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
You are more beautiful then all the fireworks tonight.
Man: Are those space pants.
Woman: No!, They're softball pants because my ass is out of your league.
I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
You're as intoxicating as home distilled liquor.
Can I help you carry your groceries to the car?
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
You're spicier than Sriracha.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
That’s a bit mulch.
As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld