The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
Can you feel that universal energy flowing from me to you?
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
Thank brew very much.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
You are my density!
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
Why did the guy kill the fly?
It was bugging him.
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
Something in the way you move attracts me like no other
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault