Hey Adam… it’s Adam shame I don’t have your number yet
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
I’m soy
into you.
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
Are you Australia? Cause your geographical location is hot.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
Your presence gives meaning to my yoga practice and enlightenment.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
You’re like the perfect audition piece: rare, beautiful, and extremely worth it.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.