"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio

"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."

- Chelsea Peretti

“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”

- Robert Brault

What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!

Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.

What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby

The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.

What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.

If we were binary, you’d be the one for me.

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller

What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.

What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.

What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.

I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!

"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett

"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi

What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.

What goes up but never comes down? Your age!

In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans

Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?

Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!

Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.

Oh, Darling, I'd like to be in your octopus garden

Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.

Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.

Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?

A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"

How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!

How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz

Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...

Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D

What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.

I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?

When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?

What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.

Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.

How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped

What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.

What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?

A clutch bag.

Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.

"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad

The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.

Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.

Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?

What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.

Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.