A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"

My text tone is adorable! Message me, so you can hear it.

What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.

Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.

"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."

- John Mayer, 'Who Says'

Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.

What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!

My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.

Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.

What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.

What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.

"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."

Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.

What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.

My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."

- Cher.

"Bed in Summer"

In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.

I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.

And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?

– Robert Louis Stevenson

General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"

"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg

What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.

Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.

I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.

What should you double check when buying an electric car?

That your driving license is current.

To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.

I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.

The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.

Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!

My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.

Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.

“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”

Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick

“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin

Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.

Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.

Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.

I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.

What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!

“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock

"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.

Can February March? No. But April May.

This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.

I am a mean green machine.

Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.