Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Honestly, I'm into necrophilia. Wanna come home and play dead?
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
Whatever floats your goat.
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
Yule be sorry.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
Giving me your number sounds like a fair trade.
Dominic Pick-Up Lines
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
The calm before the score
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
Fairies just spell trouble.