Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
Hello, allow me to hi-Jack this conversation
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
70 percent of the human body is made up of water and im very thirsty.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
Swiped for the dog, stayed for the human.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?