My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.
I Got to Get You Into My Life
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
Wow, you drive me Davi
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
I slipped some Great Barrier Reefers in yur drink.