Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
How about you and I form a binary system?
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni