The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
When you're around, every mall is a sky mall.
Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
I'd start a revolution for your number.
Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
"Just one hot chick."
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.