What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
---
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
My coffee is really hot. But you're hotter.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.