“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
You’re the only rein-dear for me.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate… Well, here I am!
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
"I lava you."
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
I give roughing a whole new definition.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.