What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
You make my heart skip a beet.
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
Is your name Alice? ‘cause baby I can show you Wonderland.
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that’s the least exciting thing about you. I’d love to know more.
I have only two weaknesses resisting chocolate and resisting you.
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.