You look like a vision in your dress tartan.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
Let's get drinks, cuz I wanna get into the holiday ~spirit~ with you.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
Would you like to come over for tea and crumpets?
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
You must be Egyptian, because I'm a enslaved by your eyes.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
Let's cross the international dateline together.
I like you a lily bit more every day.
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.