Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
You look a lot like my next victim.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
Better read than dead.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
How to scare kids away in the night
Want to give them a really big fright?
Go hide in the closet
They'll leave a deposit
When the boogieman busts out tonight.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.
“Every mile is two in winter.”
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
I was trying to think of a good pun for your name, but I can’t think of Jack
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
Is your father a boxer?
Because baby, you're a knockout.
Are you a red light because stop.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
Sir William Howe... are you doing?
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
Won't you wear my ring up around your neck
To tell the world I'm yours by heck!
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.