When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
Do you have my other lung? Because I’ve been LUNG-ing for you.
I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received in the last 10 years.
Baby, you're just like water ...
Except Jesus turned you into fine.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
Do you know what they say about hockey players? They can always find the opening!
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
Summer went swimmingly this year.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.