Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
You're as hot as a desert summer.
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
You snow the drill.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
"No body won the skeleton race."
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
Your eyes look like dark black holes, buI can't help but to be drawn in.
Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!