Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate… Well, here I am!
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
"Humor is reason gone mad."
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
All things must grass.
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
Sleigh, what?!
Call me the pace clock, cause you sure can count on me.
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
Snow thank you.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!