Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause, you take my pain away.
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
My pants might be in the wrong place but my heart is always in the right place.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
Variety is the ice of life.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her, and for you it's a diet coke.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
I really hope corona virus can't spread through s*x
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.