I like big books and I cannot lie.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
Yo girl are you the 29th state added to America?
Because Iowanna be with anybody else
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
Theres a party in my pants and your invited.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
when I’m with you.
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
I think we'd make a cute pear.
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
May I have your number, so we stop being strangers?
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.