I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I Ecuador you.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.
I’d check your blood sugar, but you’re sweet enough.
"Humor is reason gone mad."
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
“Feliz navi-dog!”
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown