I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
Let’s spend some koala-ty time with each other.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
As the local drunk, I'm quite worried about the corona virus.
It's got potential tequila lot of people.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Icy what you did there.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
Hey, I was reading through the Book of Numbers today, and I realized I didn't have yours.
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
You must be the one for me… Since my selectively permeable membrane let you through.
Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.