What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien?
A Mars-upial.
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.
Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Leaf me alone.
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?