What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
I think we're mint to be!
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!
Fall hardly happens here, but You'll be falling for me.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Should we go out on Friday? Isla pick you up at 7.
The earth laughs in flowers, so it must have been extremely happy the day you were born.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.