Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Are you a computer technician?
Because you turn my hardware into software.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
Hey girl, I heard God called you.
Can I do the same?
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.