A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Husband material.
I hope you're ready to spend some koalaty time together.
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
If you were a dynamically allocated variable in a C++ program, you'd create a leak. Because I'd never delete you from my life.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
Can I take your temperature? You're looking hot today.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.