I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
"If I Were In Charge Of The World"
If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.
If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.
If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.
If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.
– Judith Viorst
I'm not a professional referee, but please can I have your name and number?
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
That’s a bit mulch.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
"Some bunny needs vodka."
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Dominic Pick-Up Lines
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”