“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Gosh, don’t cry it’s just a knock knock joke.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
Nathan compares to you
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
Composers always score.
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
Do you like hot foods
If so, you definitely are what you eat.
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
This may be cheesy, but I think you're grate.
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”