What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
You know what they say... Big Feet.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
Practice safe text: use commas.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
Camel called.
He wants his toe back.
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.