How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
It’s snow joke.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
Your good weed for the day.
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
Is it hot in here - or is it just you?
You're so beautiful, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you.
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
What does a horse call her best friend?
Her mane chick.
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
Do you have a tan, or do you always look this hot?
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.