What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
Man: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Woman: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
For instant fun, just add water.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
I’m like the smell of chlorine – I’ll never leave you.
When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.