Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?
Can I show you my yellow submarine?
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
You can tickle my ivories anytime, baby.
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
Metaphors be with you.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.