Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
Eddie edited it.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.
Do you like wine?
Because that's all your doing.
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
"Partners in wine."
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
I know Benjamin Franklin.
Who needs a map when one can Rome freely in your beautiful eyes?
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…