Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
Girl, you must be a possessive pronoun because I think you're mine.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
"My cat doesn't like you."
You know what they say... Big Feet.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
Are you a fairy? Because you are the fulfillment of all my wishes.
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
You snow the drill.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
You must be Drumheller, ‘cause I totally dig you.
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
Let's be like Noah and do this as a pair.
You’re my pot of gold.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.