I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
Wish upon a starfish.
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
I’m fondue you.
Know what? I dig you, really!
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I am.
I am who?
You mean you don’t know who you are?
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
Are you a bookmark? Because I keep rereading the pages you are on!
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
I wish I had your number, so I could’ve invited you to dinner last weekend.
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
Witch you were here.