What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!

I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.

If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.

(Unknown)

“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown

Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?

What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”

Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.

What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!

A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*

What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.

Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.

What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.

Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.

I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.

The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.

Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.

Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.

If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.

This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.

Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.

What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.

What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.

Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.

I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!

Funny meat-ing you here.

When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.

How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.

There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.

Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...

You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law

“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”

— Neil Simon

What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.

I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.

“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”

It took God seven days to make the world but it'll only take seven digits for you to change mine.

If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well

I hope you know CPR, baby because you take my breath away.

Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.

Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.

I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!

What’s the capital of France?
The F.

If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?

What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.

What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!

What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.

What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.

If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.

“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown

They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.

And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.

All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.

To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.

So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!

(By Pamela J. Langdon)