Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
I wanna bob for your apples.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
You are sweeter than 3.14.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
Baking on Easter Sunday
Crust is risen! Hallelujah!
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
We've reached the point of snow return.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!