Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
Do you get a hint of almond in this Keemun? No? That’s odd because I’m nuts about you.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
Hey girl, you won’t need the Rosetta Stone to translate my love for you.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
Leaf me alone.
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
Irish food is legen-dairy.