Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
Hey how’s it going? Ben jammin’ much today?
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
If you and I were flowers, we’d have a budding romance.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
It's cold and rainy on Halloween
Where monsters and goblins are always seen
They're at my door asking for sweets
But they don't want tricks only treats
I could close my door but that would be mean.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.