History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
You're kind of ugly and fat. Lucky for you, I'm into those things.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Sorry for cutting you in line, I was hoping you believe in love at first sight.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
Hi, I hear you’re good at algebra… Will you replace my X without asking Y?
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?