Herb your enthusiasm.
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
It takes one to snow one.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
I really hate straws.
They suck.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:
This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.
The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.
I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.
I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.
That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.
I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.
(By Richard Thomas)
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.