Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
You and I could totally melt my igloo.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
Damn girl, are you British?
Because you just conquered my heart
You remind me of a thunderstorm: positively striking.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
Aloha is a soft laugh.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!