Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!

What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton

What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.

“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!

Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang

Knock Knock!

Who is there?

Ears.

Ears who?

Ears one more beaver joke for you.

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.

My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.

Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.

Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.

I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.

What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.

Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.

My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"

Me: "No it doesn't.”

“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White

My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?

Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.

Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.

"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson

“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill

What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.

What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”

I have only two weaknesses resisting chocolate and resisting you.

You're so amazing that I always use the partitive genitive when I talk about you.

What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Candice.

Candice who?

Candice be love that I'm feeling?

There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!

"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck

What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!

Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.

What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck

“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”

- Steve Ryan.

Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest!

“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4

What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys

What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"

What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.

“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno

Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?

There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.

what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.