What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
Owl always love you.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.