Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
Hello Boo-tiful.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
You remind me of milk - cuz you're doin' my body good.
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Ok, so if the Corona Virus isn't about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
Broken pencils are pointless.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.
I couldn't chair less!
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
You’ve got more curves than a cross country track.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.
What a spud muffin.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson