The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
Would you like to come to my quarters tonight for some toast?
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Up to snow good.
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
When god gave out bodies, he did it in alphabetical order.
GOD: And to you, horse, I give you a golden mane, great strength and speed, and a giant gait. You will be the noblest of beasts, and men will love you.
HORSEFLY (next in line): Oh man this is gonna be gooood.