What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
Funny meat-ing you here.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
Forget a trophy wife…. I’m looking for a Sophie wife
I'd buy a tandem bike just to ride with you.
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
Hey summer, long time no sea!
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!