“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
We make a great pear
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
Trowel and error.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
I really caribou-t you.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
Go big or go gnome.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.