Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
If you ask me if I love you I'll have to plead the 5th. Don't want to incriminate myself.
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
I’m feeling a little blue, do you think you could help al-Levi-ate my pain with a good date?
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
This summer is going swimmingly.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
"You are so bottlefull to me."
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen