Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
I could never Elea-gnor someone so stunning as you
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
I really hope corona virus can't spread through s*x
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!