How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
Have you ever driven a boat? Try to park it on my dock.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
I want you. I knead you.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
I'm a maintenance engineer and I'd love to tinker with your parts.
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Broccoli.
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.