What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
My Chiropractor is serious is as hell
But he always cracks me up.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
I'm pine-ing for you.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.