Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
Let’s get elf-ed up.
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Les
Les who?
Les go out for a picnic!
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
We’re calling your number.
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Water!
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow