What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.

"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns

An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"

H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.

Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.

What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!

What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo

Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.

A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned

What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.

On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.

Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.

Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.

Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...

“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault

Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.

You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.

What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.

What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!

What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.

Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.

What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.

What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.

Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.

Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.

What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.

Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.

I know you are a goalie but I hope you don’t stop me from scoring tonight.

The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.

If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!

Will you be my G-Protein? Because I want to be coupled with you!

Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!

What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.

I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.

My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"

What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"

What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.

“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”

“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown

"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong

Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."

What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!

What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.

What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!