The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
Do you be-leaf in magic?
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.