Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Wanna go out sometime? I’d consider it an Er-win if you said yes.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
Water you doing, my friend?
"Let's have some skele-fun."
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
"Back that glass up."
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
I like books, you like books, why don't we start writing the story of us?
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.