If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
You look like my future ex wife.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
Nice life preservers.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
I don't need 3D glasses to see how beautiful you are!
Want to lock our bikes together?
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...