What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
If you were coffee grounds, you’d be espresso ’cause you’re so fine.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
Is your name chocolate, because you make my seratonin levels rise and give me a sense of pleasure.
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
I think we'd make a cute pear.
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
Whoa, Domi-nice pics you got there
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
Football is one habit I will never kick
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
We should get some coffee because I'm liking you a latte.
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
How much does a polar bear weigh? Less than you, I would guess.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.