There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
"Some bunny needs vodka."
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
She acts like summer and walks like rain.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
The fact is your refractive index is greater than 2.42. That means you shine brighter than a diamond!
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
Were you forged in the fires of Mount Doom? Because you're precious to me.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
I stretched out my hamstrings, but every time I see you, I feel a tug at my heartstrings
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Your name is insert name here?
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.