Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
My moment in the sun.
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
I beacha miss summer already!
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.