“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Without you, I’m like a null set… Empty.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
when I’m with you.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
You know, less teeth means more tongue.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
What's the difference between butter and the corona virus?
Corona actually spreads.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
Werewolves love their fast food.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.