It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
Roses are red, my face is too, this only happens when I cycle with you.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?
Your beauty is a singularity. The force of attraction between us is so powerful.
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
We’re a perfect mash.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
You have been running through my mind all day.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!