Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
"I mead more wine."
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,.... she's imaginary.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
In the eyes of the lawn.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
Ask me if I'm a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.