I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly make you a drink
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
Are you Hershey's chocolate? Because I would like one kiss from you.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Wanted to use a cheesy pickup line but toBrianna-st with you, I think puns are sort of ovedone
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.