When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
There are 21 letters in the alphabet right? Oh wait, I forgot u, r, a, q, t.
What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
"We are like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it."
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.