You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
I only have ice for you.
My love for you is like this hike. It goes on and on.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
You stole my heart, so can I steal your last name?
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.
When I first saw you I looked for a signature, because every masterpiece has one.
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
How was Heaven when you left it?
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.