What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration, a guy sticks his location in a girl’s destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
I can heartly wait to see you again.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
Roses are red and so is the state, let us be comrades because I think you are great
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
Rebel without a Claus.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
Roses are red, violets are blue. I would really love to run away with you.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
Take off all your cloves.
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
How Rudolf you to say that!
Are you a tenor? Cuz you're the only ten I hear
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
You have goat to be kidding me.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer