What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
I like big books and I cannot lie.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
Lava is red and tsunamis are blue. If I had to choose a case study, I’d choose you.
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
There are 21 letters in the alphabet right? Oh wait, I forgot u, r, a, q, t.
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“