Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.

How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.

Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.

Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’

My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.

My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.

Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.

What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.

Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.

Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.

Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.

"Fun Grandpa"

My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.

Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.

A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.

What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.

What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.

Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi

'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."

What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.

What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”

"Back that glass up."

My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"

What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”

What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.

I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.

I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.

Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.

How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!

Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.

How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!

What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.

I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.

What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.

An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".

I don't normally make the first move, but there was just something dif-fur-ent about you.

"Lazy bones."

What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.

What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.

Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.

What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.

What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.