Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
"For peep's sake."
Girl, you must be a possessive pronoun because I think you're mine.
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns