What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I run by again?
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Of course your name is Amy. I can already tell you’re Amy-zing
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
You are beryllium, gold, and titanium all rolled into one. Simply BeAuTi-ful.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya
I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright