Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
I Got to Get You Into My Life
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.