Girl, are you Netflix?
Because I love watching 'you.'
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
What title did the car have in the Navy?
Rear window Admiral.
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
Girl, if I am epsilon, will you be my delta?
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
I would love to show you first class.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
I'm the life of the paddy.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
Poor white splash.
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
Rebel without a Claus.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.