I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
What’s the best part of the cell, next to the cytoplasm? The nucle-US.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
Ohh hey… You’re Riley cute
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....