I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
You read, white, and blew my mind.
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.