Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
You must be Portuguese because I could Lisbon to that accent all night long.
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
I don’t know how to spell beautiful. all I know is without u, it’s impossible.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
I was thinking whether I should write you or not.. but honestly, there isn’t Hannah-other better choice than to
Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone