What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.
Want to see the real coming attraction?
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?
Whizdom
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
My frinds call me Legato, since I'm so smooth
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.