The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
I'm snow bored.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn