This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?
He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
I don't want to be alone. Help me make it through the night.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
All stereos are so typical.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."