Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
Want to become my new personal best?
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
Are you dessert because I'm finished.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
I Got to Get You Into My Life
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
If Corona virus is just a beer virus..
Then it’s just a yeast infection!
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.