Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
Can I be Candide with you?
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
"Humor is reason gone mad."
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.