What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
How about you and I form a binary system?
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Don’t moss around.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
Birch, please.
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.