He threw three free throws.

“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”

Look like we've got a long wait here in the check-out line, so why don't we get acquainted.

If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!

Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.

I think we'd make a cute pear.

Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.

Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.

The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.

“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”

- Dave Barry.

What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.

"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.

Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!

Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.

What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.

Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe

If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?

There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.

How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!

All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.

I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.

Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.

I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.

You must be a geologist because you rock my world.

What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?

A drizzly bear.

Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.

A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.

"The Crocodile"

How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!

– Lewis Carroll

I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me

“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw

Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.

When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.

Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"

What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.

Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.

What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee

The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."

when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin

I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.