What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
That's right; I'm as breathtaking as the Sydney Tower.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
I feel tail great!
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
I'm Claus-trophobic.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.