"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Hold on for deer life.
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
You brighten up my day just like the anti-fog spray for my goggles.
I know your name is Savan-nah, but if I asked you out to drinks, could that be a Savan-yeah?
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
Are you powdered sugar? Because you're sweet, and fine!
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!
"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?