It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.