“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
You had me at ruff.
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation