What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
Did my Spotify playlist glitch? Because you are the only song I hear.
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
Baby, you’re hotter than Rome under Nero.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
My love for you is like the Spanish Armada – unsinkable!
Wear green, or leaf.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
I would part the Red Sea for you.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
I'm sorry I wasn't around in the past. Can I be part of your future?
Are you a fruit? Cause honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
How about drinking some alcohol to catalyze your love reaction a bit more?
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
If I kissed you on one cheek, would you turn the other?
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."