I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
I would tell you more chemistry pick-up lines, but all the good ones Argon!
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
Irish you luck.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.
You know what they say... Big Feet.
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr