How about we get down to monkey business?
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
I would part the Red Sea for you.
The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
May I have your number, so we stop being strangers?
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
You must be a banana because I find you very a-peeling.
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
If I can't score, can I at least get an assist?
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
Are you a florist? Cause ever since I met you, my life has been Rosey.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown