Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
"You make me egg-static."
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
How rude-olf of you.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.
Your beautiful face looks like a field of flowers.
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
Can I take your temperature? You're looking hot today.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
The barista may have forgotten your name... but I sure haven't.