Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
This coffee is too strong. How about a kiss because you are the only sugar I need.
Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"