I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.

Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.

“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray

How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.

Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!

Air resistance is a real drag.

What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.

There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.

“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown

You looked better when I was drunk.

I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.

Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.

Egg puns are the most egg-citing.

What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!

What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!

What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.

It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”

I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.

“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer

Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.

What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.

I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”

It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.

Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!

Your love will always be up to par.

I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.

Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.

What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.

Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.

What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.

Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.

She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.

Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?

I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.

“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart

Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque

"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella

You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.

What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.

What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!

What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?

Go on their honeyearth.

I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.

He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.

I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.

His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...

I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.

(By Christian M. Mitewu)

"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!

What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.

What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"