There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
"Partners in wine."
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
Excuse me, there has been a heartbreak incident and I need your number to solve it.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
We were mermaid for each other.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
I'm just like an Easter bunny - sweet, but hollow on the inside.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
I love you berry much.
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.