"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Hey girl, are you on the endangered species list? 'Cause baby you are one of a kind!
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
Leaf me alone.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
Are you a can of bear spray? ‘Cause you really spice things up around here.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
Hey baby, are you made up of dark matter? Because you’re indescribable.