What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are BeAuTi-ful.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
What do people in New Mexico eat on thanksgiving?
an Albuturquey
I really like you. So does my wife.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
The river fish went to the library and asked if he can get a book. The librarian said: "You can start by-rowing it."
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.
Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful!
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
You can be the queen of my kingdom.