Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
I'd spend Tuesdays with Morrie, but baby, I'd spend every day with you.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
I know the difference between "less" and "fewer," but don't worry, you won't have to ask me for either of them.
This summer is going swimmingly.
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
I think you’re dandelion.
I want you. I knead you.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
Sir William Howe... are you doing?
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.