What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
I fence-y you.
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Are you a bookmark? Because I keep rereading the pages you are on!
Better read than dead.
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
Hi, I hear you’re good at algebra… Will you replace my X without asking Y?
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.