What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
"Be kind, re-wine."
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
Hi, my name's Pogo. Wanna ride on my stick?
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Do you play the guitar? Because you can touch strings of my heart
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.