What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.

Your eyes look like dark black holes, buI can't help but to be drawn in.

The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.

Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.

Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark, you still seem to shine.

277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.

I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...

But it's up there.

I am a jogger, but date me and I will never run away from you.

Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.

After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”

The earth's rotation really makes my day.

It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.

What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.

My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.

"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers

I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.

You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.

You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing

Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.

We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.

What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.

You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.

Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.

“I gotta warn ya, every man I’ve ever gone out with has been ruined.”
“Well, that’s what they get for messing with my girl.”
- Bugsy (1991)

Vegans really have a beef with meat.

Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming

“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”

- Salty Mermaid.

Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”

Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!

"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown

I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!

Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.

“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places

Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!

Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.

They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!

Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.

“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan

Free Wifi!

Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?

Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.

What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.

“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous

"Front Row"

My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.

– Denise Rodgers

I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.

Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.

"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers

Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!