Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.