I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Are you a centripetal force? Because you make my world go round.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
There’s an earthquake in my heart, and you’re the epicenter.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
Your lips may be saying no, but your endorphins are saying yes.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
"I wood never leaf you."
"Let's have some skele-fun."
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
Hey girl, I'd give you my heart but I already gave it to Jesus.
You can have my number though.